Friday, June 3, 2016

Mere Mortals: Other Worldly.

So this is it, the final installation of my series about our record "Mere Mortals." Hopefully these writings have done what I've hoped they'd do, not the exact thing I feared in starting this in the first place. Namely, to share insights and stories without removing whatever impact you might have come to on your own without these entries. But I guess the people who are interested in reading more will read more. So I'm letting myself off the hook, all spoilers avoided, lickety split.

Track Eleven: Other Worldly.

I've thought so long and hard, convinced another night staring at the stars will reveal the answers you won't impart. A sea of lights and colors my eyes have parceled in the dark, where there was nothing before, another world appears. A world where minds incline toward introspection, wills consider confession, and hearts feel the pain of their foolish decisions. Can you see me in the darkness? Can you feel my arms reaching for you? Can you imagine the world I dream of? Without this dream I feel like I'm slipping into a black hole. Without your love I can't escape its pull. Will you be my guide? Will you throw me your rope? I'm right here. Will you help my light survive and instill in me hope? Where are you? I no longer want you to hide. I want your presence to abide. Please let your tongue be untied and your words fill the sky. I need so much more than you're willing to give. But I'm right here, free of fear. Appear before my eyes, consider, incline, feel my heart, my mind. Whenever you're ready, so am I. I'm right here. Whenever you're ready, so am I. I'm right here.

As we neared the end of the musical writing process I found I had to write about five more songs lyrically in a short time to make it to the studio prepared. I suddenly felt anxiety about whether I was ready for this. The weight of writing ten songs was mounting. So I started foraging for material, even asking friends if they had subject matter worth investigating. Other Worldly is the result of a conversation with a friend who said he'd always wanted to write a song about the relationship he wish he had with his father. He gave me his blessing to delve into his feelings of longing, to echo the sentiments in a previous song, for what should be or could've been.

I've been thinking lately about how exactly to find peace in not being someone I think I'm supposed to be. Whether it be brain chemistry, my body's hormone concoction, my "nature," or my "nurture," I'm just now coming to accept that I am not capable of being anyone other than myself. No one is anyone other than him or herself. It sounds so stupidly obvious writing it out. But somehow it rarely feels obvious because of the complicated nature of relationships.

I regularly marvel at the ability of others to obsess over one topic that interests them and single-mindedly consume every facet of it. I marvel at the faithful who come hell or high-water maintain their faith, unshaken by the perils and ugliness of life. I marvel at those who have somehow come to understand that the perils and ugliness they're committing are necessary or even good for those they're committing them against. I marvel at those who commit atrocities and feel no need to spin or justify their decisions. And I marvel at those who live within a regular state of happiness. I think it can be said for most of us, whether the world we're in thinks the same or not, we are doing what we think is best and right for us. Of course how we come to these conclusions, well, I marvel at that too. I am none of these, for better obviously, or worse.

Last week I was telling my wife that I desperately hope I maintain a clear picture of who we are right now, as thirty-five year old parents relating to a four year old daughter, so that when or if she asks us why we did what we did I can say: I love you, please forgive me, this is who we were and what we thought in our limited knowledge was best then. I've been told no parents can escape the wrath of their children questioning their decisions, so I'm trying to footnote my struggles, my thoughts, my concerns so that I have something to say if that time comes.

The voice in this song is yearning to hear something call back to him from the darkness. A reason, an explanation, a connection. The voice is bearing all, knowing it may be fruitless, but saying the words because the words need to be said. It is hoping for some sort of humble why to step forward. It wants the footnotes to the decisions made that created the need for another world where the voice is given its due diligence. The voice wants to be loved, the most innate of all desires, and don't we all deserve that?

(Image stolen from here.)