This is the first of hopefully many posts where I share my thoughts on things. I'm going to leave it about as vague as I can because who knows where this thing will go? I certainly don't, but there are many moments littering mundane days where I think "I should write about this!", but then I don't. Sometimes because the idea is fleeting and life is busy, but more often because I remind myself I'm not important enough to share my thoughts nor would anyone like to read them. When everywhere we go we're bombarded with the thoughts and intentions of those who deem themselves all too important, I've decided it's often best to stay quiet. I've prided myself on my humility when surrounded by the airings of those who think they have the answers (how about that sentence?!?), but ultimately, it's just hard to feel like sharing matters.
I was born into 'the faith' as the son of an American Baptist minister. I know, BAPTIST! Well, to be fair, ABs try to distinguish themselves as progressives, meaning that they believe the 'word' to be true and truly inspired by God but not to be taken literally in every passage. While in doctrine they may be considered conservative I never felt, in our household at least, that it was a practice of conservatism. This is me trying to massage any knee-jerk reactions to the word Baptist.
One of the ideas my parents tried to ingrain in me was that 'God cares about me so much that even the hairs on my head are numbered.' There's a passage somewhere that refers to that, but I can't remember where. Unfortunately, this was paired with an idea that, from perhaps the first time pondering it at a young age, felt much more reasonable: 'There is nothing new under the sun.' We've all heard that expression before. It probably doesn't originate from Proverbs, but that's where I discovered it. It was touted in college here and there as inspiration to think 'outside the box' or....something.
As my faith waned, the former inclination was easily outweighed by the latter. And so, somehow, through a myriad of influences and realizations since, I've cultivated a real sense of futility about who I am and where I'm going in life. And of course, this affects my sense of whether my thoughts are worthy of sharing.
But, I've decided to write, regardless of what may be judged worthwhile by myself or others. And though I may find nothing new, hopefully the sun shines brightly enough to remind me, no matter how much wisdom I may think I've obtained: It's complicated.
I struggle a lot with finding meaning. This winter especially has felt like a constant uphill battle and the optimistic nihilism that I've ascribed to since my teenage years fails to be optimistic when bad events pile on top of one another. I occasionally lament my lack of spirituality; I envy the anchor, the path that God provides (do you miss those things?). But I can't convince myself to believe.
ReplyDeleteFulfillment (the semi-spiritual kind; the kind that makes your heart feel warm and full) has come primarily from my relationship with those around me (my partner, my friends, my animals, my community). The love and interest I have in them and the beautiful thoughts that fill their collective heads really matters to me. Being involved and exchanging stories with both my closest friends and interesting strangers reminds me how much each individual is intrinsic. Your words are worthwhile, just as your loved ones' are to you. (And I thought your previous blog-endeavors always had a lot of genuine, thought-provoking entries, so I'm excited to read! :))